One Night in Bangkok...

Reminding myself this isn't exactly Thailand

I have times when I want to do something almost to prove to myself I am alive. Like jumping off a bridge into the ocean. I know it's not actually necessary, but on occasion I have that urge. It's probably similar to the urge I describe below about screaming Fuck You and wanting to Punch People in the Face. Those last two don't sound very ladylike...

Some days I just want to scream Fuck You to the world. There are days when I want to punch people in the face. There are times when I have wondered if this is my reincarnated life as punishment of a past life and I was something truly awful.

I don't have those moments very often. But on occasion when it feels like everything is just bearing it's weight down on me. I am perhaps just one kind voice away from shedding a bucket full of tears (cue the tears now as I type). I have those thoughts.

I have times when I think I just want to go and find some peace and solace. Other times when I just want the company of the unknown stranger who knows nothing about me and to find comfort in their arms. I know it's short lived. So, I have basically sworn off real dating for now. I'm actually supposed to have a date (I have signed up for those dating websites, all the free ones anyway). I usually get as far as a few email responses and I'll either stop communicating or never follow through with the date.
The idea of introducing someone to my past is exhausting. [Oh that date is supposed
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~ Natachia Barlow Ramsey's Story; Surviving Postpartum Psychosis ~ One Night in Bangkok ~

The Walking Dead, Zombie Shuffle

Zombie Shuffle

A woman I have been talking and corresponding with recently said the experience of being in the Psychiatric Hospital seemed as traumatic as the Postpartum Psychosis Episode itself. I myself have often reflected on that and felt similar. The things you experience inside a mental health facility can be very scary, especially if you are there as a forensic patient and are doing your 'time' vs just being there until you are better.

Aside from the constant screaming and noise, there's the having to see or hear someone being forced, sometimes physically to take medication. After watching the patient pace the hallways for perhaps a month, more or less, doing any number of things, there will be an emergency order written for them to receive medication. Usually they are told, and are given one last opportunity of taking it orally. At that point, if still refusing, are held down by any number of staff and given injections of meds. You can hear them screaming and begging, pleading. I can recall some of them so vividly and with such clarity.

I understood why sometimes it may be necessary. It doesn't make it any easier to witness.
 

As I look into the recesses of my mind and I recall the faces and the empty stares. The hollow eyes, sad and broken faces, I know I too must have looked like that for months when I was first admitted to AMHI.

I had a one to one for the longest time (where you are assigned a staff person to be with you at all times even to go into the bathroom stall with you).

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~ Natachia Barlow Ramsey's Story; Surviving Postpartum Psychosis ~ The Walking Dead, Zombie Shuffle ~

A Story of Severe Postpartum Depression with Psychotic Features

Tragedies, Trauma, Disasters. What's the common thread?

Unfortunately, these are all the things that in most circumstances have to occur in order for change to happen. Why? Because when things appear to be going along swimmingly, nobody sees a need for change. So, let's take a look shall we?  I can't imagine anyone not wanting to discover the new mother has 1) Killed Herself, 2) Killed her Child(ren), 3) Killed herself and her Child(ren)

 We've been making progress with issues on Postpartum, but change takes time. It doesn't happen overnight or even over one generation. It takes a movement of people joining together.

The basic reality is this; it's those kind of circumstances that evoke change. In my small community in Belfast, Maine, no one knew what postpartum psychosis was. Least of all me. I had heard of the baby blues, which to my understanding was something that sometimes happens to new moms and they get sad and get over it. Done! Talk about an understatement.

Even when I was sent to AMHI and started talking to the Psychiatrist there and the many, many evaluators, there was little written on it at the time. Yes, throughout history it's been well documented and Europe has statutes that speak directly to this particular time after a mother has given birth. A few of my Doctor's even commented on it in hearings.
 

I remember when the story broke about Andrea Yates. We followed the trial and were so saddened when she was initally found guilty instead of NGRI from Postpartum Psychosis. We rejoiced when her sentence was later overturned because of the lead Psychiatrist who testified, lied on the

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~ Natachia Barlow Ramsey's Story; Surviving Postpartum Psychosis ~ A Story of Severe Postpartum Depression with Psychotic Features ~

Snot, Diarrhea, Chicken Bones...

I spy with my little eye

My sister can't eat chicken on a bone. I remember when I was younger that used to gross me out too. I always wanted boneless chicken, and especially wings. All those slimy little wings with the little bones and tendons. Yuck, made my stomach turn.

Then, I was put in a Mental Hospital and saw feces smeared on the bathoom stall...

I remember during my stay in 1999 there were these old metal lockers where the patients kept their cigarettes and lighters. When there was a smoke break, the patients would line up and the worker would open up each locker and each patient could get their cigarettes. One patient didn't want to lose his place in line because if you missed the opening of the lockers and the exiting of being out in the "yard" (it was a large cage attached to one of the doors so no one could escape, although I watched many try and a few actually scale it) you would miss that smoke break. Well, he proceeded to blow his nose into his hands and wipe them onto the lockers. Which wouldn't all come off immediately, and just kind of smeared
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.....Natachia Barlow Ramsey's Story; Surviving Postpartum Psychosis ~ Snot, Diarrhea, Chicken Bones... ~

Horror Story or Reality?

Living your own worst nightmare

This past week I had a conversation with a woman who has had a similar experience to mine. Her husband and her are together, but she is questioning whether or not it will stay that way given all that has happened. We proceeded to talk about my circumstances regarding my now ex-husband and what happened.

It made me start thinking the last couple of days about what it took to forgive the one person I reached out for the day my world turned upside down... The day our son died.

There are audio cassette tape recordings of that morning, from an answering machine. It took me about eight years before I was finally about to listen to them. I knew they exsisted, I talked about them with my therapist. She heard them, the Attorney's, Doctor's and anyone who evaluated me heard them. I just couldn't for a very long time. I knew it would bring me back to that day in a way like nothing else ever would.

When I finally decided I was ready to hear the recordings, I took a copy of the tape and I must have held onto it for weeks before I built up the courage to push play. I only had it on for about 5 seconds and it immediately brought me back in time and I quickly shut it off. So, I sat there, for how long I don't know. I decided I would push play and let it run through until the end no matter what. (This was a series of calls I made to my then husband and he wouldn't answer the phone and kept hanging up on me) A lot of what I am saying is incomprehensible, babbling. But I am begging him to pick up the phone. I am telling him "something is wrong with me" "I can't think" ...

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.....Natachia Barlow Ramsey's Story; Surviving Postpartum Psychosis ~ Horror Story or Reality? ~

Choosing Between the Devils

When is the devil you don't know better than the devil you do know?

I am often left feeling as though I am choosing between the lesser of two evils. Rather than just being able to make the best decision for example; I have a couple choices and neither of them are fantastic, but I have to choose one of them. So take your pick... 



Devil's in disguise?

We have an election going on (yeah I know, the entire world knows). But we also have a Probate Judge election going on here in Waldo County. You see, while there is some family court stuff brewing upstairs with my grand-daughter Lanah, I also have lots of things circulating downstairs in Probate. Everything from the Guardianship of my daughter to the petition of guardianship of my grand-daughter.

 

I actually petitioned for guardianship of my grand-daughter back in June. At that time we didn't know who her father was so there was the added delay of informing all the putative fathers. But even since finding out there has been a great delay in getting the case heard.

 

I originally petitioned the probate court because I was the one caring for Lanah full time. My daughter had moved in with her boyfriend and would come and visit with Lanah and spend time with her but she wasn't ready to be a full time parent. At that time and in moment's of clarity she would
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~ Natachia Barlow Ramsey; Surviving Postpartum Psychosis and Losing a Piece of Myself ~

Suicide is a disease

What Doesn't Kill You?

Suicide seems to run rampant in my family. Spreading itself around like a transmittable disease. I keep hoping to "Cure" my family of it, but it appears to have dug its roots deep.



My Sister and I 1981

I remember when my grandfather came into the room where I was sleeping to tell me my mother had died. I had gone to bed early. It was around 9pm and I remember him say "Tachia, Tachia" by the second time he'd said my name I was just beginning to wake up and said "what?" he replied "you're mother is dead". I said "okay" and rolled back over to sleep.
I was 14 years old. I remember still trying to sleep and thinking I couldn't have heard him correctly. As I layed there I heard him on the telephone (one of the old rotary dial phones) making calls and talking to people. As I was still half asleep, I could heard him crying. I thought he was laughing. I remember thinking; why is he telling everyone my mother is dead?...
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~ Natachia Barlow Ramsey's Story; Surviving Postpartum Psychosis ~ Suicide is a disease ~

Dirty Little Secrets

Forced Sterilization or Self Imposed

Compulsary Sterilization in a Civilized World



I was 19 and my daughter (Shey)
was about 6 months old

I am not sure of the exact moment in time when I realized I would have to get sterilized in order for the powers that be to start supporting my release. I just remember being in the court room listening to basically the same testimony as I heard before with the "only real risk factors" being if I were to get pregnant again. It was the same verbage used at a previous hearing and I realized as long as I could have children I was going to be stuck there and the sooner I wanted to get out the quicker I had better make it so I couldn't have any more kids.
 

So, I asked the hospital to schedule an appointment for a tubal ligation and within a couple months it was done. The very next time I went to court, it was brought up that I had 'voluntarily' undergone a tubal and therefore I could not have any more children. You see, they could not come right out and say compulsory sterilization because the law had changed. They couldn't even suggest I be "fixed". It just had to be hinted at enough and hoped I got it. If I didn't? I would stay there until my ovaries were like prunes. Or like another woman I knew; had to end up having..
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~ Natachia Barlow Ramsey's Story; Surviving Postpartum Psychosis ~ Dirty Little Secrets ~

Walking the line

I Walk the Line

I have walked the line between living for one child or dying for another. There's never a good, right or perfect answer. I just have to live with knowing that I have walked the line and probably always will.

 



My daughter and I on her 9th birthday in 2002

When I was sick with PostPartum Psychosis in 1999, and I wanted to commit suicide, my son's (Hunter's) father didn't believe that Hunter was his; I thought in those terribly dysfunctional moments that the only one who wanted Hunter was me. That in order for him to be 'safe' I had to take him with me.

I know, I know; it doesn't make any sense now. How could I possibly be keeping him "Safe" by wanting to take his life and mine? I cannot rationalize my thinking that day. I can only say in those moments, in those minutes, on that day it made sense to me.

Asking someone who is losing their mind to explain why they were thinking a particular way and expecting it to make sense is like... well, asking a schizophrenic person who doesn't know they're schizophrenic if the voices they hear are real. They can't distinguish the difference.

I have yearned to find someone who had gone through a similar experience. Not because I wanted them to feel this kind of anguish, but because it feels so very lonely when..
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~ Natachia Barlow Ramsey's Story; Surviving Postpartum Psychosis ~ I walk the line ~

Nightmare Alley

What Dreams May Come

For a decade I had the same recurring nightmare; that I would walk into the Augusta Mental Health Institute for some kind of meeting, the doors would close behind me and I couldn't get out. The dreams always started off with me having to go there for something innocuous. Once inside they inform me I cannot leave. I check all the doors, I am crying, I plead with them. No matter what I say, no matter what I do I have to stay there. Locked inside.

Although I do not remember exactly when I had the first nightmare, I do recall it was sometime after I was released the first time in September of 1999 into a group home on personal recognizance bail so I could be in therapy.

I would wake up in a cold sweat and have that same feeling everytime. This weighted down, surreal and out of sorts feeling. Empty space. I don't think I've ever been afraid of a place or afraid of anything really as I was afraid of that place. Just being there the five months I was there when I was sick with Postpartum Psychosis was incredibly scary.

One of the worst things about being there is that people mess with you, staff included, and even when you try to tell someone, you are often not believed because "you" are the crazy one. You're the one who is in the hospital for being sick. There are some real assholes working in mental health hospitals, people who really like being in control, who shouldn't be allowed to work with people who have a mental illness. Now that's not to say that everyone is bad. They're certainly not and if

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..Natachia Barlow Ramsey's Story; Surviving Postpartum Psychosis ~ Nightmare Alley ~