Down the Rabbit Hole

I survived Postpartum Psychosis, my Son did not...

 

In March of 1999 I had just turned 25 and was about to give birth to my second child. My daughter was turning 6 later that month as well so there should have been a lot of celebrating to do. I went a week and a half past my due date, and my son was born on March 11th at 11:10pm; Hunter Macarthy Ramsey.

Although I was excited, exhausted and not feeling quite right, little did I know a month later my little boy would be dead and I would be committed to the Augusta Mental Health Institute; responsible for his death.

I grew up in a small coastal town in Maine. I always refer to my family as "Old Maine". I guess alluding to the fact that nobody talks about their feelings. We still banked the house in the winter with plastic and hay and things always went unspoken. We were strong Maine women. It would have been nice if we were half as strong as what we thought we were supposed to be.

My mother was one of 6 children, very typical around here; they were Catholic. She had me when she was 17 and married my father I was told to get out of the house. Secrets, Secrets, Secrets...

I bounced around from relative to relative after the divorced and started kindergarten late waiting for my mother to come back from where ever it was she had gone. Eventually she did and ended up in a co-dependent relationship with my Stepfather and they had my brother and sister. There were years and years of fighting, alcohol, staying, leaving, packing up and moving back.

When I was 14, after a two-day bender of not going to school, my Mom and stepdad fighting, packing and unpacking; my mother hung herself in our bathroom. I learned of this from her father (my grandfather) as she had sent me there to spend the night.

He informed me since I was the oldest child it was my responsibility to plan the funeral. Looking back, I think he was just devastated and was doing the best he could in those moments. So, with my grandfather driving me around and footing the bill, I proceeded to plan my mother's funeral. I don't remember everything, just bits and pieces. What I do remember is finally demanding to see -

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...Natachia Barlow Ramsey's Story; Surviving Postpartum Psychosis ~ Down the Rabbit Hole ~

A Story of Severe Postpartum Depression with Psychotic Features

Tragedies, Trauma, Disasters. What's the common thread?

Unfortunately, these are all the things that in most circumstances have to occur in order for change to happen. Why? Because when things appear to be going along swimmingly, nobody sees a need for change. So, let's take a look shall we?  I can't imagine anyone not wanting to discover the new mother has 1) Killed Herself, 2) Killed her Child(ren), 3) Killed herself and her Child(ren)

 We've been making progress with issues on Postpartum, but change takes time. It doesn't happen overnight or even over one generation. It takes a movement of people joining together.

The basic reality is this; it's those kind of circumstances that evoke change. In my small community in Belfast, Maine, no one knew what postpartum psychosis was. Least of all me. I had heard of the baby blues, which to my understanding was something that sometimes happens to new moms and they get sad and get over it. Done! Talk about an understatement.

Even when I was sent to AMHI and started talking to the Psychiatrist there and the many, many evaluators, there was little written on it at the time. Yes, throughout history it's been well documented and Europe has statutes that speak directly to this particular time after a mother has given birth. A few of my Doctor's even commented on it in hearings.
 

I remember when the story broke about Andrea Yates. We followed the trial and were so saddened when she was initally found guilty instead of NGRI from Postpartum Psychosis. We rejoiced when her sentence was later overturned because of the lead Psychiatrist who testified, lied on the

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~ Natachia Barlow Ramsey's Story; Surviving Postpartum Psychosis ~ A Story of Severe Postpartum Depression with Psychotic Features ~

Snot, Diarrhea, Chicken Bones...

I spy with my little eye

My sister can't eat chicken on a bone. I remember when I was younger that used to gross me out too. I always wanted boneless chicken, and especially wings. All those slimy little wings with the little bones and tendons. Yuck, made my stomach turn.

Then, I was put in a Mental Hospital and saw feces smeared on the bathoom stall...

I remember during my stay in 1999 there were these old metal lockers where the patients kept their cigarettes and lighters. When there was a smoke break, the patients would line up and the worker would open up each locker and each patient could get their cigarettes. One patient didn't want to lose his place in line because if you missed the opening of the lockers and the exiting of being out in the "yard" (it was a large cage attached to one of the doors so no one could escape, although I watched many try and a few actually scale it) you would miss that smoke break. Well, he proceeded to blow his nose into his hands and wipe them onto the lockers. Which wouldn't all come off immediately, and just kind of smeared
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.....Natachia Barlow Ramsey's Story; Surviving Postpartum Psychosis ~ Snot, Diarrhea, Chicken Bones... ~

Horror Story or Reality?

Living your own worst nightmare

This past week I had a conversation with a woman who has had a similar experience to mine. Her husband and her are together, but she is questioning whether or not it will stay that way given all that has happened. We proceeded to talk about my circumstances regarding my now ex-husband and what happened.

It made me start thinking the last couple of days about what it took to forgive the one person I reached out for the day my world turned upside down... The day our son died.

There are audio cassette tape recordings of that morning, from an answering machine. It took me about eight years before I was finally about to listen to them. I knew they exsisted, I talked about them with my therapist. She heard them, the Attorney's, Doctor's and anyone who evaluated me heard them. I just couldn't for a very long time. I knew it would bring me back to that day in a way like nothing else ever would.

When I finally decided I was ready to hear the recordings, I took a copy of the tape and I must have held onto it for weeks before I built up the courage to push play. I only had it on for about 5 seconds and it immediately brought me back in time and I quickly shut it off. So, I sat there, for how long I don't know. I decided I would push play and let it run through until the end no matter what. (This was a series of calls I made to my then husband and he wouldn't answer the phone and kept hanging up on me) A lot of what I am saying is incomprehensible, babbling. But I am begging him to pick up the phone. I am telling him "something is wrong with me" "I can't think" ...

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.....Natachia Barlow Ramsey's Story; Surviving Postpartum Psychosis ~ Horror Story or Reality? ~

Life For Death Punishment?

Is an Eye for an Eye Always Necessary?

I remember at the very end of my trial when the judge sentenced me to the commissioner (back into AMHI) and said there was nothing he could do to punish me more than what I had already been through. That was just the beginning of my realizing how correct he was....

I guess I became more and more aware of this as I sat in therapy, sometimes daily, and talked about everything from as far back as I could remember all the way to the present. Everytime we had a court date and I listened to testimony about how the biggest danger I posed was to myself. I didn't seem able to impress upon people enough how suicide was no longer an option for me.

You see, it took several months for me to wade my way through the fog of postpartum psychosis when I was first committed to AMHI in 1999. I cannot give you a clear, concise timeline of events. As the months passed and I got closer to discharge that September I do remember more and more until I am clear headed. I would say the first two months are in random, skewed order. I have to ask the people around me if and when certain things happened.

I don't really remember my son's funeral. I recall people bringing me from the hospital (AMHI) but I don't know how many or who it was. I know my father and aunt were there. I know they had a rocking chair and let me sit and rock my son before anyone else came in. I remember I wasn't allowed to look at him. I remember just trying desperately to try and feel him through all the blankets and whatever else he was wrapped in.

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..Natachia Barlow Ramsey's Story; Surviving Postpartum Psychosis ~ Life For Death Punishment? ~

Choosing Between the Devils

When is the devil you don't know better than the devil you do know?

I am often left feeling as though I am choosing between the lesser of two evils. Rather than just being able to make the best decision for example; I have a couple choices and neither of them are fantastic, but I have to choose one of them. So take your pick... 



Devil's in disguise?

We have an election going on (yeah I know, the entire world knows). But we also have a Probate Judge election going on here in Waldo County. You see, while there is some family court stuff brewing upstairs with my grand-daughter Lanah, I also have lots of things circulating downstairs in Probate. Everything from the Guardianship of my daughter to the petition of guardianship of my grand-daughter.

 

I actually petitioned for guardianship of my grand-daughter back in June. At that time we didn't know who her father was so there was the added delay of informing all the putative fathers. But even since finding out there has been a great delay in getting the case heard.

 

I originally petitioned the probate court because I was the one caring for Lanah full time. My daughter had moved in with her boyfriend and would come and visit with Lanah and spend time with her but she wasn't ready to be a full time parent. At that time and in moment's of clarity she would
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~ Natachia Barlow Ramsey; Surviving Postpartum Psychosis and Losing a Piece of Myself ~

Dirty Little Secrets

Forced Sterilization or Self Imposed

Compulsary Sterilization in a Civilized World



I was 19 and my daughter (Shey)
was about 6 months old

I am not sure of the exact moment in time when I realized I would have to get sterilized in order for the powers that be to start supporting my release. I just remember being in the court room listening to basically the same testimony as I heard before with the "only real risk factors" being if I were to get pregnant again. It was the same verbage used at a previous hearing and I realized as long as I could have children I was going to be stuck there and the sooner I wanted to get out the quicker I had better make it so I couldn't have any more kids.
 

So, I asked the hospital to schedule an appointment for a tubal ligation and within a couple months it was done. The very next time I went to court, it was brought up that I had 'voluntarily' undergone a tubal and therefore I could not have any more children. You see, they could not come right out and say compulsory sterilization because the law had changed. They couldn't even suggest I be "fixed". It just had to be hinted at enough and hoped I got it. If I didn't? I would stay there until my ovaries were like prunes. Or like another woman I knew; had to end up having..
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~ Natachia Barlow Ramsey's Story; Surviving Postpartum Psychosis ~ Dirty Little Secrets ~

Nightmare Alley

What Dreams May Come

For a decade I had the same recurring nightmare; that I would walk into the Augusta Mental Health Institute for some kind of meeting, the doors would close behind me and I couldn't get out. The dreams always started off with me having to go there for something innocuous. Once inside they inform me I cannot leave. I check all the doors, I am crying, I plead with them. No matter what I say, no matter what I do I have to stay there. Locked inside.

Although I do not remember exactly when I had the first nightmare, I do recall it was sometime after I was released the first time in September of 1999 into a group home on personal recognizance bail so I could be in therapy.

I would wake up in a cold sweat and have that same feeling everytime. This weighted down, surreal and out of sorts feeling. Empty space. I don't think I've ever been afraid of a place or afraid of anything really as I was afraid of that place. Just being there the five months I was there when I was sick with Postpartum Psychosis was incredibly scary.

One of the worst things about being there is that people mess with you, staff included, and even when you try to tell someone, you are often not believed because "you" are the crazy one. You're the one who is in the hospital for being sick. There are some real assholes working in mental health hospitals, people who really like being in control, who shouldn't be allowed to work with people who have a mental illness. Now that's not to say that everyone is bad. They're certainly not and if

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..Natachia Barlow Ramsey's Story; Surviving Postpartum Psychosis ~ Nightmare Alley ~

What is Home Really?...

There's No Place Like Home

I think a lot of people think of 'home' as a particular place. Maybe for some that's true. For me, home is with the people I love and care about. As long as they're there; that's home.

I have just moved into a cottage near the ocean until next June. It's furnished, almost complete with kitchen-ware. So while I am bringing in my personal things along with a few small furniture pieces, I'll be borrowing someone else's housewares for the next 9-10 months and I'll call this home.

I haven't been online blogging in a while since I had a 'series of unfortunate events' occur that included my phone breaking and thus my internet went along with my communication.

This summer has taken almost all of my resources and drained them. I am just beginning to feel a resurgence of energy reserves slowly starting to build. I think the quiet of the Village (yes I said Village. This IS Maine and this is the second time in 8 years I have rented a cottage near the water in a Village. The last time being in Liberty, Maine on Lake St. George, one of my favorite places to be) will be just what I need. Mostly I want the people I love..

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~ Natachia Barlow Ramsey's Story; Surviving Postpartum Psychosis ~ What is Home Really? ~

Crazy night crazy days

If you don't go in crazy you'll come out crazy...

First I want to say; a lot actually:

 



AMHI


1. I tend to infuse most of my ramblings with humor. I smile and sometimes laugh when it's most inappropriate. I knew a woman I actually really admired and liked quite a bit who was a female forensic patient (there were only four of us at AMHI) and she had killed her mother. Well the four of us were in a group together and I nervously laughed when responding to her. More than highly inappropriate. But, it's the only way I know how to get through some of this. Sometimes I almost feel in awe of my own life.
2. There's a huge misconception that a lot of people are found NCR/NGRI (Not Guilty By Reason of Insanity was changed in Maine and many other states to Not Criminally Responsible after John Hinckley shot Ronald Reagan). In fact, just roughly 1% of court cases invlove the insanity defense. Of those, only around 1 in 4 are successful.( Insanity Defense PBS) Hence the reason there were only four females and another..

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~ Natachia Barlow Ramsey's Story; Surviving Postpartum Psychosis ~ Crazy Nights Crazy Days ~