I Walk the Line
I have walked the line between living for one child or dying for another. There's never a good, right or perfect answer. I just have to live with knowing that I have walked the line and probably always will.
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| My daughter and I on her 9th birthday in 2002 |
When I was sick with PostPartum Psychosis in 1999, and I wanted to commit suicide, my son's (Hunter's) father didn't believe that Hunter was his; I thought in those terribly dysfunctional moments that the only one who wanted Hunter was me. That in order for him to be 'safe' I had to take him with me.
I know, I know; it doesn't make any sense now. How could I possibly be keeping him "Safe" by wanting to take his life and mine? I cannot rationalize my thinking that day. I can only say in those moments, in those minutes, on that day it made sense to me.
Asking someone who is losing their mind to explain why they were thinking a particular way and expecting it to make sense is like... well, asking a schizophrenic person who doesn't know they're schizophrenic if the voices they hear are real. They can't distinguish the difference.
I have yearned to find someone who had gone through a similar experience. Not because I wanted them to feel this kind of anguish, but because it feels so very lonely when..
Read more here...
~ Natachia Barlow Ramsey's Story; Surviving Postpartum Psychosis ~ I walk the line ~
I have yearned to find someone who had gone through a similar experience. Not because I wanted them to feel this kind of anguish, but because it feels so very lonely when..
Read more here...
natachia, three years confined, plus several more in the system- even though you were found not criminally responsible and were not a threat to anyone. that to me sounds criminal. your courage in writing about your experiences is, really, just stunning. your honesty and eloquence are appreciated. quite simply, thank you.
ReplyDeleteEddie, I so appreciate the words of encouragement. It really does mean a lot to me when someone reads my blog and it touches them. Thank you so for the kind words.Natachia
ReplyDeleteNatchia, I too was 'locked up' in various mental hospitals over a period of 6 months which is NOTHING compared to what you have been through. I agree that the staff tries to play tricks on you, and unfortunately I never got any real help. Just drugs and fear. I also have nightmares of being locked up again. The only reason I have been able to heal the bit I have is because I am in society. Locking people up for mental illness helps no one. Thank you for sharing your story so openly!
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